judge

Well, this certainly still exists. Imagine my surprise.

We had Kim's birthday party this past weekend, and I only really call it a birthday party because I don't have the time or energy to look up the proper name for a cross between a Bacchanalia and a massive tribute to a mortal woman. I'll figure it out later, but that's really what went on. I'm not one to say excessively stupid things like "I will never drink again," but this would be the third time in my life where I took a mental step back and considered the merits for a few moments. All I can say there is that, perhaps, I will never egg Nikki on while drinking, again.

Actually, that's probably the common thread between two incidents of such self destruction now. I should probably give that a little deeper consideration.

Our new community outreach coordinator, Brooke, is remarkable at her job. Somewhat unfortunately, the majority of her job boils down to "find things for Seth and Brooke to attend and give lectures at". The woman is just starting and has already put the feather in her cap previously held in the "feathers for your hat when you make someone work 14 days straight" case. I'll let you puzzle out how she did that, but let's say that it involved making me work 14 days straight. We were haggard at the end of it, like a pair of unlikely buddy-cop movie stars who had slugged their way through a crime cartel and came out with the appropriate number of saved children and actresses. Except we actually just spent alot of time running around and talking. But, at times, our audience wasn't in formal dress attire, so the comparison is pretty close.

I gave up on raiding yet again with The New Guild I was playing with. I did this about a month ago, in a decision that wasn't hard at all due to the reason that brought me to making it. These were decent people, all in all, despite being internet folk. But at the end of the equation, I really just couldn't give a flying sniper-trained assassin dolphin about the whole deal. I didn't really know these people and that meant their successes or failures didn't seem to give me any personal sense of accomplishment or drive to do better. Considering that it was that exact situation I was fishing for, I realized that I was pretty much done. I resolved to just let my WoW account linger when I would log in for an hour or two maaaybe and tool around on some alts. But then, of course, there was Brooke, holding my work schedule in her hands and mangling it with a gleeful chitter that haunts me to this very day.

Either that or she cheerfully asked me if I had time to do such and such event, and I happily agreed. It was only after this process had repeated ten times or so did I realize (far, far too late) that she was in fact a witch and had performed dark trickery upon me.

I'd say I learned my lesson, but I just spent my weekend drinking myself into a blackout and then recovering, so really the lesson here is that I do not in fact learn them.


Slow, burn, let it all fade out,
And pull the curtain down.
Wonder where you've been.
You've earned everything you found.
And painted faces frown,
I'll say I knew you when.

I don't have any special wisdom imparted to me for turning 30, except that the day of was made especially interesting by out of town Alabamians, drunken blonde women, and a certain Tony Hughes. I wasn't joking when I said I never expected to make it this far, so who knows what will happen now.


Baby, seasons change but people don't
And I'll always be waiting in the back room
I'm boring but overcompensate
with Headlines and flash, flash, flash photography

But don't pretend you ever forgot about me
Don't pretend you ever forgot about me

Wouldn't you rather be a widow than a divorcee?
Style your wake for fashion magazines
A widow or a divorcee?

Don't pretend, don't pretend.

We don't fight fair

They say your head can be a prison
Then these are just conjugal visits,
People will dissect us till
This doesn't mean a thing anymore

Don't pretend you ever forgot about me
Don't pretend you ever forgot about me

Would you rather be a widow than a divorcee?
Style your wake for fashion and magazines
Widow or a divorcee?

Don't pretend, don't pretend

We'll do it in the dark
With smiles on our faces
We're trapped and well concealed
In secret places

We don't fight fair

We'll do it in the dark
With smiles on our faces
We're trapped and well concealed
In secret places

We don't fight fair
With smiles on our faces
We're trapped and well concealed
In secret places

Don't pretend you ever forget 'bout me
We don't fight fair
Don't pretend you ever forget 'bout me

We don't fight fair.

I got home from my Christmas/NY adventure last night at a little after midnight. The short of it is this - we took off from Austin on the 23rd, stayed in the KC area till the 28th, flew to Chicago, drove to Grand Rapids Michigan, stayed there for NY and are now back home. The cats have not let us leave their sight since we came in the front door.

We weren't really too sure how this would play out, honestly. The plan had been to stay with Jake for a few days, then my brother for a few days, then the Porters up in Michigan for a few days. We even bought tremendous luggage in anticipation of this event, hoping that the sheer size of this set showed our commitment to the travel gods and they would be merciful to us.

This, of course, did not happen.

I kicked myself out of bed at 4am after being up till about 1am to catch our excessively early flight (this set the tone and pattern for the next two weeks) and rolled into the shower. Kim's phone went off, which I had assumed was either her brother, who was picking us up to take to the airport, or her alarm, so I thought nothing of it. After trundling down the stairs to cram all of our baggage into Jon's car, we were on our way. Jon had, for reasons I'm not sure of, decided to bring his kid along with him on a day there was neither school nor work to get to. Possibly because he figured good parented started with the burning hatred of his children.

Anyway, Kim decides to check her messages and it turns out our flight was canceled, so we freak out a little. Our travel arrangements are resting upon the timetable equivalent of complex, delicate pulleys and levers, so now we wonder how this will all end. Fortunately, our decision to arrive grossly early to avoid problems paid off, and we made our way to Kansas City.

See, when we got there, the ground was brown and it was just raining a bit. However, it's possible that once again my ability to piss off God and catch others in my smite radius came into play. The snow that fell pretty much destroyed the week. I was able to see most of my family, but getting down to Truman Lake swiftly became a farce, and my mom had a minor episode regarding a movie and scheduling and whatnot. Staying at Jake's was cool and all but holy fuck I had planned on doing other freaking things, you know? The snow kept us trapped in his place for about 75% of that leg of the trip, which threatened to become a cross between Lord of the Flies and Alive as we realized that there was no food and no way to procure it on Christmas Day. We ended up at a dingy, stinky bar that served burgers(?), so it wasn't a total loss.

I managed to see Jon, Tyler, and Joe, but that was pretty much it outside of my immediate family and host. There was an incident with Ian who apparently ditched his car on the way to come see his kids at mom's (and later told me if he knew I was going to be there he would have tried harder to make it, make of that what you will), and Daniel has apparently vanished into the wind or some such thing. We visited Grandma Houser on the day Matt and Marlena got back into town and Kim/myself were exchanged to them like so much breathing Christmas gifting.

Matt's place is nice, and we spent the evening just pretty much chilling at his place. I got him Dragon Age, which he opened and got all excited because he already had it and it was just that good of a game. Hopefully he can exchange it. We did our laundry and tried to get to sleep at about midnight or 1 before having to... wake up at 4am to go catch a flight. We were not even sure we'd make it to the Grand Rapids part of the trip, since the snow had continued pretty much nonstop in the midwest since we landed, but it turned out okay.

As a side note, I later found out that while I was in town, Melissa Maxwell (a high school classmate of mine) was in a wreck due to the snow and would eventually be declared brain dead and taken off life support a week and a half later. I didn't talk with her much after we graduated, and I don't want to do the fake dramatic bit, but it was pretty shocking to hear. It's odd how tragedy can bring people together, as others I haven't spoken to in about a decade have all contacted me to let me know about it. For those of you who think that might be a little weird, keep in my my entire high school, 7-12, was under 150 people. So everyone knew each other relatively well.

Flying to Chicago was not as relaxed as getting to KC. Longer checkin lines, more snow worry, and a much more cramped flight. Also, witht he help of a nice security man, we found my missing pocket knife. Unfortunately it was in my pocket as I went through security. Haha oh uh, no sir you can totally keep that knife. Absolutely. We landed in Midway where it took us something to the tune of an hour or an hour and a half to get our luggage, find our rental, and get the f out of there.... only to run into low visibility snowstorms about thirty minutes outside Chicago.

Staying at the Porter's wasn't awkward as I had worried it might be. They seemed worried that they weren't going to be entertaining enough, but by this point we were completely cool with sitting on our asses most of the time and going to do a few things now and again. The snow and cold continued, and Grand Rapids was set in this weird dusk lightning for most of our stay there due to the thick clouds. We went out several nights to see some of the restaurants and bars of GR, and I have to say I like several of their hangout spots. We met up with Troy and Jake one night while we were there, as well as Laura's sister and her husband when we went to go see Local H and Electric Six. The show was great, and for some reason I was completely reminded of Ling the entire time I was watching their front man.

We spent a good deal of time on Seth's couch where I got to see more episodes of Always Sunny, which is a show I had seen once or twice but never remembered to catch again. So stupid of me. Also, we discovered a show called Three Sheets, which is something like a location-based Good Eats for alcoholics.

New Year's Eve itself there was quite the epic. We had made plans to go to The BOB (Big Ol Building) there - a structure that had several floors with multiple bars, dance venues, and restaurants on each floor. However, it quickly became apparent (as we stood in the sub-zero windchill) that the line was not fucking moving and my toes oh god I think I may have the frostbite augh stand in front of me to break the wind did the line move I think I saw the doors open oh God help this is cold okay fuck this back to the car.

We ended up at a gay bar called Rumors, where we proceeded to thaw, drink somewhat heavily, and watch people make out with inappropriate partners. All in all, a good time.

We finally managed to make it to the BOB the next night, when they were having some sort of dinner special at one of the eateries. By that time, though, most of us were somewhat fried, and I had been operating on an average of four hours of sleep each night for the past week and a half, so after eating, we just retreated to the Porter estate.

All in all, a good year. I managed to actually get writing done over the trip, which I wasn't sure if I would or not. I think I've come up with a few resolutions for the new year, but I'll pin them down later.


Let me tell you about the dance epidemic.

Let's see.

- Renfaire: Went a couple of weekends ago with a bunch of Kim's friends from the Austin geekgirls thing. Or what it was, anyway. It was a pretty good time, since the fairground is much larger than the one back in KC. Got to camp overnight and remember what it was like to be unprepared to actually do so. Waking up chilled and hot at the same time while someone is dry heaving at 3am was a bit of deja vu. I'd like to go camping and take these sorts of trips a little more often, but I dunno if I have the monies to sink into getting decent equipment again.

- Car: Finally got my jeep wrangler. Hunter green, four door... 2WD, sadly. The 4x4s were all just outside reasonable affordability, which is alright I spose. I mean, it's not like I'm gonna go offroading with it a bunch, and I just like the way it handled and the fact you can pull off the top. But still, a non-4x4 Jeep IS a little weird. I bought it on a Friday, was told the pocks on the windshield would be fixed by Monday. Came to claim it on Tuesday, the pock marks weren't fixed. The windshield was replaced Wednesday, and it stopped working on Thursday due to a defective battery. Thankfully at this point we've worked out all the bullshit because frankly I like the damn thing.

- Writing: I've been picking around the place where I've been blocked for awhile, working on scenes further down the road and setting up things for some better continuity throughout, but I think I finally have that one particular hurdle beat now. Here's hoping.

- Gym: Somehow, we have managed to stick to going to the gym 5, sometimes 6, times a week. Holy f.


We will await you on the other side.

Had a good, if stressing weekend. This is mostly a reminder to myself to actually write about it before the memory slips away. I'm just killing time as my computer scans itself uselessly while I try and figure out what's wrong with it. I'm just fucking exhausted from every goddamned step and every motherfucking thing being a fight for the past three weeks. Everything. Work, friends, family, free time, car, computer, clothes, eating, shoes, haircuts. Every. Fucking. Thing. I even got an error trying to post this earlier.

I really had forgotten how tiring it is to be pissed off all the time and I really wish I didn't have the opportunity to remember.


For every bit of venom that came out,
The antidote was had.

Insurance called last week and decided the car was a total loss. RIP War Wagon, only a year and some change old. The adjustor even had the gall to mention that since I was getting some money back (it was worth more than I owed on it) things "worked out pretty well". I know what he meant, which was that I could have been hospitalized and owing on a pile of scrap, but goddamnit. Things are not working out very "well", I don't think. I was planning on not having to get another car for a very long time, and even though I'm getting some money back, it's really not going to be enough to put me into an affordable four year loan. I'm effectively back at square one with payments, which is a little irritating. 

What's staggeringly irritating is the reminder that finding something I want to drive is easy, while finding it in a manual transmission is not. I can't even get another Nitro reasonably at this point, which may be for the best. I'm being told the Nitro will likely be cut from production in a year or so, and someone offered the helpful point of view that since I was unharmed, the woman who hit me did me the favor of helping me avoid owning a Nitro for very long. Haw haw. I'm looking at used Wrangler Unlimiteds at this point, since I'd like something with some size to move things around in, but not freakishly huge. And Wranglers are exceptionally easy to find in a manual.

Beyond that, picked up Borderlands, which is... amazing. It's not exactly the most inventive game ever (not does it slack in this category), but the gameplay itself is extremely satisfying and visceral. There's something unnameable about why exactly it was such an engaging activity, but I found myself actually talking some shit at the computer screen as I squeezed off round after round - or as someone might say, "Over six solutions per second". I deeply enjoyed the idea of going and picking a fight I might not make it through but there would be an actual fight. This is in stark contrast to WoW, which (in PvE and PvP) is a very binary existence when you struggle - either you are winning or you are about to die without recourse. Stumbling around, strafing back, knifing off one thing on your ankles while you try and reload your gun to ward off the next three things is just really quite interesting.

It occured to me the other day that I should probably leave notes about what I'm doing or where I'm going since I have a habit of being incommunicado for extended periods of time. Have I been kidnapped or am I just being me? The question burns in far away minds, apparently.


Arms and legs in between.
Caught inside a stupid dream.

Time to steal another What I've Learned. This month we're ripping off Joan Jett, a feat that many others have been doing for decades, so I don't feel so bad about it.

There's this thing... about talking to people and helping them work out their problems. Time just flies, even if they rattle on endlessly about stuff that should be boring. If I could just see clients all day, I would - though other counselors tell me that I'd likely just burn out.

They've turned... sensitivity into a something to be despised and then leveraged. The same banks who mindlessly crushed families and kicked them out of their homes are now the same ones who boast that they have friendly, empathetic staff who will listen to your problems unlike "those other guys".

Pop music... gets demonized a little too much, I think. While excellent pop musicians tend to be extremely rare and the catchy tunes that stick in our heads tend to happen by accident, just writing something for pure entertainment isn't necessarily a crime. As long as you're honest about what you're doing, anyway.

When people... tell me I'm always angry and hate the world, I wonder if they actually believe it.

I learned... that while you can't save them all, they're not beyond saving. Some problems are just beyond some people, or they're just unsolvable at that particular time. People have to be ready to get pulled out of a bad situation, and they're not always going to be receptive to the opportunity.

Nobody knows... what communication is going to look like in sixty years. Hell, twenty years ago you could just Google up a question and have it answered by some all seeing Oracle was likely laughable to the majority of the population. It bothers me that eventually, I won't be able to see what's coming anymore.

I remember times... where I would just get so pissed I would open my mouth and say something that I didn't really think I could say. They weren't even pent up "real feelings", I just had a bout of Tourette's anger.

I like the way... the city looks at dawn, but I enjoy the way it feels at dusk.

The sun... and I have never been the best of friends. When I was younger, I actually got rashes from sun exposure, and even today it has made my hair almost copper red from exposure. This wouldn't be so bad except for the fact my black facial hair makes it look a little odd to some.

Don't be afraid... to be afraid of something. Everyone wants to be the eternally level headed, unflappable guy who never gets concerned or distressed, but someone who doesn't understand how things can go wrong never really appreciates it when it's going right.

They said... I'd change my views on a few things when I got older, more experienced. It was always so galling that at 17 I would present a perfectly good, reasonable point (not some spoiled immature teenage shit) and adults seemed to feel compelled to let me know I knew nothing and undermine my sense of logic simply because I was too young to get it. Turns out that in some cases they were just wrong and insecure about it. Whoops.

Partly, I like... that conservatives think I'm too much of a hippie and liberals think I'm an uptight suit-and-tie corporate mouthpiece. Partly I hate it because it means I'm pretty much suspect no matter where I go.

I think some... politicians should go through a blind taste test of their ideals. It's funny that even the guys supposedly running the show seem to be operating on a very limited understanding of actual issues and only entrenched responses to labels.

I don't look... at the mirrors on the gym walls. I do everything I can to avoid looking at them, in fact, because I'm weirdly self-concious about being perceived as vain.

When you're onstage... you are an object, not a person. Anyone on a stage trying to sell their personality is very likely selling something fake.

I never lived... in a place where I felt like if I didn't have a car I'd be okay. I should do something about that eventually.

If you're a woman... and you choose to be extremely concerned about your personal safety, I can understand that. As was pointed out to me, there are many more whackos out there who see women as prey than there are who regard men singularly in that regard. On the flipside to that, though, don't expect guys are going to be all that happy about being in the "rapist until proven otherwise" category.

When I watch... political pundits, my only real concern is with trying to figure out how much of their delivery is something they actually believe and how much is just an attention grab to build their brand.

I don't think... too much about being seen as a sexist or racist or homophobe or whatever. I try not to, anyway. I try to keep my opinions about women, Mexicans, gays, Jews, Segways, or other things as honest as I can. While honestly doesn't necessarily preclude any of those -isms, there's something disturbing about someone who constantly has to filter what he says "just in case".

In the beginning... I thought I'd be taken seriously by my peers. Ironically, alot of my views from my teenage years have been right, while the ones I've made in the past decade have been the ones that I've had to adjust because I just didn't know any better.

People come up... to my office and tell me their problems. All of them. I used to think the stories about hookers who would get hired and the john would just sit and talk to them for an hour were ubran legends. But I've come to appreciate that sometimes people who need help just want some human contact.

I don't Google... things at work unless I am explicitly sure of what I am looking for and how to word it. I have a theory that has yet to be proven wrong - on the internet, every phrase of four words or less is, somewhere, a euphemism for some sex act. And it's likely in the top three Google hits.



I close my eyes and fly out of my mind
Into the fire

So I haven't gotten around to really writing about the wreck.

I was driving back to work from Catholic Charities last Tuesday and it was raining. I had spent a good part of my time there talking with parents and whatnot and I made a few cracks about how Austin drivers simply cannot function properly in the rain, knowing little of the foreshadowing I was giving the rest of my day.

My car, the damage to which isn't done proper justice from the shitty lighting on my camera phone. The entire drivers side was bent inward in a shallow V. The estimate at this point is roughly $11k damage to the vehicle.

Her car, a little Dodge Neon, however, is totaled. Thankfully, no one was really injured. My back hurt for a few days but that was about it.

She came heading south on a curve, hit her brakes too hard, and jumped the divider between her and me in the northbound lane. What was unusual was that I heard the brakes and saw the car coming at me and several things happened at once. One, I saw her coming directly at me, and the only thing between me and her was my car door. I had bought my truck on the merits that it was a sturdy machine (among other things) but the speed she was going and the impact point at that moment made it seem highly unlikely I was going to walk away from this. I was very certain I was going to die in that instant, and a few things crossed my mind that I don't know if I'll ever feel comfortable sharing.

The other thing was that I became fully aware that I had made a weird expression - my eyes somewhat squinted and my teeth exposed in some sort of aggressive grimace. I knew not only was I going to die, but I was going to die looking like I was attempting to ward off my speeding death by doing a Gilbert Gottfried impression.

Thankfully, my Nitro's frame was more than a match for the paper-and-tape contraption known as a Neon. She slammed head on into me and went pinwheeling away to hit another driver before finally coming to rest on a lawn. I am never, ever, ever buying a small car ever again. If I were in my old Neon or Vibe I would, at best, be writing this from traction in something resembling what they put Wile E. Coyote in after his glorious plans once again backfire.

The insurance has worked out okay, all things considered. They were somewhat slow at getting me into a rental (I was stuck with a Prius and now a Jetta due to inventory and allowance issues), and I have to say that driving a small car rental after that is a little unnerving. I've managed to get over it, and the 3-4 weeks it'll take to get my truck back cannot come fast enough. Not being able to pack up the bike and head to the park is kind of irritating.

Beyond that, Kim and I joined a gym and we've been pretty good about going nearly every day, mostly on lunch during work. I have other things to report, but they somehow seem less significant.


Hey mister, where you headed?
Are you in a hurry?

Not alot going on. Work is winding down from the summer, which means less travel and more "sit on the office and deal with paperwork" time. This excites me much like the prospect of a new color Power Ranger might intrigue a blind man. Dealing with bureaucracy is something I have been cursed to excel at, making me a de facto pencil pusher here in the office. Someone need a proposal looked at? PICK ME, BABY! Does one of the states want to see written documentation and examples of our outreach work in a needlessly complex format? My aching nipples practically chafe against my shirt at the very thought.

Right.

We joined a gym. 24 Hour Fitness, which has the advantage of being open a number of hours concurrent with those allowed in a single day, but also having locations all over. So if I'm on the road I can go hit the gym, assuming I am in the circle of hell where hotels don't have gyms (and likely will not have a 24 Hour Fitness). But it was cheap, and I'll admit that the Bowflex bugs me in how relatively limited it is. I'm not really too much into the science of exercise, but the curving tension built up by the rods (that are flexed into "bow" like positions, for the curious!) don't really give consistent or even effective resistance in many cases. It's nice to have one as a mini home gym but half the time I feel like I may as well just be doing lifts with books.

I had my molar split last week and couldn't get it fixed till this past Monday. That was exciting, let me tell you. If you've ever wondered what it might be like if you were pissed off at food and drink, definitely go a weekend with half a missing molar. Bonus points if you're a goddamned idiot and bite into a pepper in salsa. Or eat salsa at all, fuckwit. Why do people think I'm even remotely intelligent after shit like that?

Had dinner with Ben and Claire, the latter of whom is now moved to Austin. Everything tasted like concrete and the meds from Monday made me tired and loopy all Tuesday, so I cut out early.

Also, mom is in Ireland and I am slightly afeared she will never come back. Not that I would blame her.

Everyone who has ever played WoW with me but quit has also resurfaced on Blackhand in the past month or two. As I told Rich, I'm not sure if I prefered the relative calm of two months ago or the sheer entertainment of the now. I guess I'll know in a few months.

So that's about it for now.



Well I know you don't know the reason.
And it's cold - a sign of the season.
'Cause you're old and battered and beaten.
And we'll grow, till we hit the ceiling.

Teh hueg bbq yesterday. Drank a little too much and sat out in front of the grill for hours in the sun, which has me in a predictable gross state of body right now. Don't have too much to say about the past week except I have to go to the comic store this coming week because I found out the guy who runs events there is confused as to why his "Saturday at 7pm" time slot for l5r tournaments isn't working out for him.

I am also somewhat embarrassed to find that when I start talking to people about politics now, some asshat who agrees with me (on some level) swoops in and enacts the following plan -

Step 1: Anything Obama/Dems are trying to do is socialist and destroying "real America".
Step 2: Anyone who has to ask why is a socialist.
Step 3: If the topic is not about how they're all socialists instead of dumb things like "an issue", go to step 1.

It was funny at first, but now it's like watching your drunken Uncle Ted pick a fight with the 4H Club after a few martinis.


The bug's been around since time began.
It's bitten bigger badder bastards than the one I am.